pretty, odd & confused

A LETTER TO EVERYONE I'VE LOVED (& LOST)

dear you,

i miss you. if i could turn back time i would, but i’d cut off my own hand before reaching for yours ever again.

there are 26 letters in the alphabet. endless combinations of sounds and shapes that could make up all the things i will never have the courage to say. i don’t talk about it, but i write your initials when testing out a pen.

does that count for something?

the list is long and i could say each of your names, but what good does it do now? there are only so many ways to remind myself of what has passed.

i will write you bad poetry and i will laugh with my friends, cry drunk on my kitchen floor, kiss a million strangers and never say your name to any of them. i will write my novels and find you in every single one. ‘never stop writing’ you said, and so i will spend the rest of my life making art out of your boyish laugh and the idea of who you became. i read the letters i wrote to you, the ones that didn’t make it to your hands, and feel defeated remembering the ones that did.

i will hold the hands of all my girlfriends, and sometimes they will look like you. i’ll look into their eyes and curse my foolish heart when i find brown instead of green. we will share secrets in bathroom stalls and fall asleep together, and every time i will wish it was you instead. your absence is everywhere, even in a different city i can still feel it. but i find comfort in knowing you’re doing well. you were always braver than me. i’m sorry. i wish i had the courage to tell you about the resentment inside of me instead of running away with it.

i will go back to church and remember your favorite verse every time i open my bible. i’ll remember your terrible taste in music and the way you looked at me. i never sit at our bus stop anymore because it brings out too many memories. i drive past your house sometimes, think of your dog and your mom. i still have a box under my bed with things you left behind, but i don't touch it anymore. i forgive you for your betrayals. but you know me better than anyone, and for that, i will never forgive you.

i see your boyfriend around town sometimes, and i’m grateful it’s him. because him i don’t care for but if it were you, i would stop. i’d want to talk it out, and i'd forgive you. if you told me you were sorry i would. none of my friends approve, but they don’t know what it feels like to miss your laugh and to miss my fingers braiding your hair every morning. i don't think i'll ever call you back, it's not right. we can wish all we want, but could we ever go back to what was?

could we, all of you and all of me, ever share a glance without feeling ashamed of how things went down between us?

i don’t know who i’m talking to anymore.

to all of you, i guess. to every possibility of what we could have been, to no one at all.

the leaves of your trees will never touch mine again, but for a while, our roots were tangled. for that second, we grew up together.

i remember you in everything: a song. a place. a habit. a scar. a piece of my heart.

from the lovers to the friends, to the strangers and the enemies, all of you have a piece of me.

and i don’t feel bad for everything i said. but i am sorry.

i’m sorry for the things i kept quiet about. sorry for leaving when i should have stayed, and for staying when i should have left.

i am now the girl i am because of you. despite everything, i loved you.

all of you. even you. especially you.

on birthday candles and wishing stars,

marina.