A LETTER TO EVERYONE I'VE LOVED (& LOST)

dear you,

i miss you. if i could turn back time i would, but i’d cut off my own hand before reaching for yours ever again.

there are 26 letters in the alphabet. endless combinations of sounds and shapes that could make up all the things i will never have the courage to say. i don’t talk about it, but i write your initials when testing out a pen.

does that count for something?

the list is long and i could say each of your names, but what good does it do now? there are only so many ways to remind myself of what has passed.

LADY BIRD & MY ENDLESS GROWING PAINS

“You didn't know how to raise me any more than I know how to grow up. And childhood is over, and it wasn't enough.” — Goodbye Rocketship by Maya Hawke

I grew up in the Christian faith, which mostly meant that every Sunday I would sit with a bunch of other kids and listen to stories I found incredibly boring.

But mostly, I remember the beginning. I remember being told that everything I knew had come to be by God's hand. Even then, I knew they were giving me a watered-down version of something much bigger, but I didn't care. That was the story I connected with. "Let there be light" He said, and so there was. And He saw that it was good.

Almost Famous & The Heart Rate of a Mouse

“To wake up to a feeling of unity, of being part of something bigger, something I can't quite figure out but can still name.” — Anna Green

The world is such a big, big place, and we have been here for so very long. My favorite iconic time was the first decade of the twenty-first century. Lots of changes, lots of sins and tragedies and revolutionary moments. Millions of people living a million different lives.

At one end of those years sits Almost Famous (2000) and at the other sits The Heart Rate of a Mouse, a fanfiction posted by Anna Green in March of 2010. 

Now, this is the part where I promise not to make this more personal than it needs to be (oops).  

I quit my job to start this blog

Unfortunately, I don't have a dramatic resignation story. There was no storming out and no coworkers clapping as I walked out carrying a box full of my belongings like in a 2000s romcom.

For context, I started my first job in January, right after graduating high school (which, by the way, 2025 felt like a prison sentence am I right??)

Last year and the last quarter in particular, was one of the most trying periods of my life. I had the worst fallout of my life with my friend group from eight grade, my cat died, I had a bad moment with my faith, my government was starting to sound concerningly similar to the United States. And to top it off, I went through the long, dull process of losing my best friend because we fell in love with each other. Bad stuff honestly.